Don’t fall into the “poor me” trap today, Libra. When things repeatedly don’t go the way you want, or bad things happen to you, it can be very easy to fall into a victim mentality. Yet while we can’t always control what happens around and to us, we always have the choice as to how we’re going to handle it. Grieving can be a critical element to healing, but there’s a fine line. Choose to keep going and insist on being better to yourself.

I need to get out of this funk.

I really do.

hmmm. Well.

I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a good person? What it means to be a good friend? I got good idea of what it means. Do you?

I don’t buy the whole “I’ve been really busy” thing. We are all busy. We all have shit to do and some how I find a way to be a good friend and a good support system for my friends. (Or at least I think I do) Sometimes I just wish the people in my life would do the same. Is that selfish? Maybe.

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Where is the love?

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I forgot what it’s like to be this busy. It’s been a while. Gotta manage my time better!

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Things I am excited for:

LOST

LOST

LOST

LOST

I wanna stop crying

I wanna be okay with it

I feel so silly

I feel like there are bigger problems in this world, but this is happening.  I lost a member of my family. A very big part of my family. Its funny how we treat our pets like they are a sibling or child.

I don’t really care for the RIP production all over facebook and the internet world but I needed to express this somewhere. I needed an outlet somewhere. I have never lost a pet before, this is a first. My wittle baby joined my family when I was 9 years old. Thats a really long time. A really long time. I started to think she was invincible, that nothing could hurt her. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have been so naive.

She was a happy puppy. The craziest dog I have every met. Really. Ask any of my friends. She was known for ridiculous hair bows and her silly nickname (Candy Milonakis…like Andy Milonakis. get it?) I was home a week ago and she was just as jumpy and crazy as the first day she joined our family (Santa brought her). Things can change so quickly. Within in a day, she went from crazy to really sick. Life is a delicate thing, so very delicate. I just wish I was home for this. I wish I was able to say goodbye to a major part of my life. I wish I was home with my family.

This marks the end of a very beautiful thing, a very beautiful part of my life.

My family knew I wasn’t going to handle this well. My mom knew I couldn’t do this alone. She called Tyler to come to see if he could go be with me for when I found out. Thank God for Tyler! My mom was right. I couldn’t do it alone. I can’t do it alone.

I was expecting it. I knew it was going to happen. That’s the weirdest part. I knew it was going to happen. I have had some really weird dreams in the last few weeks. Awful dreams. Scary dreams that I didn’t want to be true. I prayed that they wouldn’t be true.

This shall pass. I will move on. I will be able to get through a class without crying, but for right now this is how its going to be. This is how I am going to be. I’m trying to be okay but this is a process for me. This is a new feeling that I have never experienced before. Give me some time.

Candy – my wittle baby.

Back in New York. Back to reality. It feels great and awful at the same time.

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Got a food delivery today. Let me just tell you that I loved not having to carry that shit up 4 flights. Awesome.

Related, I left a loaf of bread in the cabinet over break. Anyone want some green bread?

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I have my first class tomorrow. I have a problem. This is the first time in my life I am dreading going to school. Never in my life. I hope that changes. Maybe I just need to get back into the swing of things

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In other news, the Lovewell Songbook was last week. It was so great. It was just what I needed. A little taste of home (no pun intended). If you haven’t seen the videos…I suggest you check them out!

http://www.youtube.com/user/lovewellmethod#p/u/6/LNJRuR4fAnk

“I am now at this moment all that I need to be.”

I’m sick of worrying
I’m sick of being sad
I’m sick of feeling guilty about being sad
I’m sick of getting frustrated/angry over silly things
I’m sick of school (and it hasn’t even started yet)
I’m sick of not having of job
I’m sick of having no money
I’m sick of being a pushover
I’m sick of not caring about myself
I’m sick of this.

What to do about it? Change it. That’s what I’m gonna do.

(p.s. I really am thankful for all I have. This is just one of those days)

Well…

Where to start? I’ve never really had those weird New Years feelings, negative or positive. However, for some reason this year its hitting me hard. I am not excited for this year. Wait, no that’s not right. I just have nothing to look forward to right now.I think my friends are getting to that point in our lives where we aren’t going to see each other often. We are growing up and that scares me to death. They all have significant others (did i really just use that term) and that changes a lot. It makes me feel good that they are happy. That is what I want most. Im just nervous for myself I guess. I am scared to be left alone. Every big change I make in my life I have tried to tell myself was going to be the move for me. So, naturally, I thought New York was going to be the thing for me. Maybe this has been a good thing for me. Maybe I was just looking for something big to happen, like it happens in movies. Silly girl. That doesn’t happen. This has been a good change for me and it took me two weeks in Boca to realize this. I want to live in New York. Which is something I never thought I would say that.

My New Year’s resolution(s)

1. I am trying to loosen up a bit. Just live life,  you know. Stop worrying about silly things.

2. Do things for myself. I lose sight of that sometimes. I like to listen but I have do things for myself now. I can’t always be worrying about everyone else.

I hope this is a big year. This has to be a big year. Be a part of it?

I’m trying to keep an open mind about this. Its just that I miss Suffolk. I never thought I would miss it this much. I just love the community that is created there. It’s hard here, really hard. I don’t feel like people are taking advantage of what I can offer. That sounds awful. I don’t mean to be cocky, I really don’t. I think I have a lot to offer to this program, to this world and I hate to miss out on any opportunity.

I am Assistant Stage Managing a show in the spring. Auditions are being held this weekend. Its in the job title to do the bitch work, I get that. I have done this before. (Im not really sure how to explain this without sounding childish) This is the first day and I am overanalyzing this. I just felt like I was baby sitting. There was no creative outlet. Im not explaining myself well enough. I just want this to be good and I want to prove that I am great. Cause “I am now at this moment all that I need to be.”

On another note, I am really excited for the Lovewell event in January! This is going to be so great for my soul. I need Lovewell right now, more than ever. I can’t wait to be with my best friends for one short week. Can’t wait!!!

(This is a childish entry. Childish.)

Someone help me.

I feel like I have so much I want to write but my brain is dead. I don’t know if I can formulate sentences. I think I’ve written a total of 60 pages in the last week. That is sick!

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I’ve been running a hostile for the last month and couldn’t be happier about it. That being said. Jacob opened for Tim Reynolds this last week. SO GOOD! I’m so lucky to have those two baby Grotens in my life.

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We decorated for Christmas. I decided if I was going to be miserable with work for 3 weeks, I was getting a Christmas tree. The family (Jparty, Tyler, Gabby and I) decorated stockings and the tree together. Its wonderful.

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Thursday will be a beautiful day. I will be done will 90% of my work.

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It snowed today. Not the pretty kind of snow but the rainy, gross kinda snow.

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Going to a Giants game next weekend. Please. Don’t. Snow.

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This post is silly. I just felt like I needed to write. Needed to just formulate non academic ideas. Thank you for listening. goodnight.